Guilt

So today I am going to write something about myself that I just do not understand. I'm sure some of you will Sympathize. I'm talking about guilt. And not the guilt you feel after you walk past the elderly woman fumbling with her groceries ( not that you don't want to help her, you don't want to offend her by making her feel she can't handle some eggs and cheese) I'm talking about the guilt that comes anytime you are out alone.

Our family recently went through a 9 month deployment. We have 4 children that at the start of this deployment ranged from newborn to 12. I very rarely went out alone. And when I did I was paying a babysitter or tugging at some friends heart strings to please comes watch my kids. So needless to say my trips consisted of a million errands and most of the time I felt more drained than when I left. Things are different now. My husband is home, my backup is here! It is amazing to know that I don't have to do everything alone anymore. What puzzles me though is this, when I do go out (which is fairly often now and I am urged by my backup to go out more) I feel this immense need to rush home. Almost the second I leave too. If while I'm out I happen to buy a cookie or a chocolate bar I feel weird. Like I should only get a bite (If any at all). Or that i need to buy one for each person. I feel guilty that I'm not there to change diapers or make dinner or put babies to bed. Oh and very guilty I'm not there to deal with pre-teenage angst. Getting a pedicure is like torture for my soul, dramatic I know but seriously! Then there is my husband. This man is seriously amazing and I feel like we are completely meant to be. I'm jealous though. He can go and enjoy his time like no other. He goes and eats wings and subway without feeling this guilt his wife does. He goes and plays poker or basketball and actually enjoys where he is and doesn't worry about us. I need to be more like him. If I were a resolution type person this would be one. I need to quit feeling guilty and ENJOY my alone time. Trouble is that I really have no clue what I want to do with free time anymore. So 2013 is going to be the year of finding things that make me happy, finding new talents and passions. An one thing I'm going to work towards is actually enjoying a pedicure!